This Is The Part Where I Give Up

15 Mar

{Image from unknown source}

Everything was going so well. It seemed like overnight I was impassioned with visions; visions of success, confidence, of humility, triumph, and kicking every fear I’ve ever had right square in the face. I was filled with a feeling of knowing that everything I ever wanted or needed, I would have. I didn’t know how, I just knew it would be so.

So, I started writing it all down. I started making plans. I had glimpses of the path I would need to take, the people I would want to meet and connect with, the articles I would write, and the PR’s I would get in CrossFit along the way. The ideas were flowing in such abundance, that I often felt like I just needed to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs; releasing the pressure of all the bursting joy and appreciation, which can sometimes be just as overwhelming as its opposite.

And then there was a hiccup – actually, there were a few. Because that’s just how this thing works. If there’s anything in life you can count on (besides the obvious . . . yourself), it’s contrast. The higher you go, the harder your potential fall will be. This is the stuff movies are made of. The rise, the fall, and finally . . . how the hero or heroine manages to pick up all of the broken pieces and put them back together again. The rebuild is where our characters are forged. It’s not how we go down that matters, but rather how we get back up which verily defines us as individuals.

Well, getting back up has never been my strong suit. In fact, I’m like the Bueller of faking the entire process, so here’s my confession:

This is the part where I (usually) give up – where I make excuses, and bow out of my commitments. It’s where I hit the auto-pilot switch, relinquishing complete control, and let the ego man the ship. This is the time when everything I’ve said and promised comes to a head as just a lie I’ve told myself, an illusion or some fantasy I was living in. It’s when I cry, when I break things (namely my own self-esteem), and when I blame everyone or everything outside of myself for why I can’t follow-through.

Rinse. Repeat. Recycle.

No longer – this time is different. There’s a fighter in me now, and she’s relentless in defeating this bullshit legacy I’ve clung to for so long. Maybe it’s because I’m all hopped up on CrossFit and I’m not thinking very clearly, or maybe I’m thinking clearer than ever. Maybe I’ve finally reached a point where being my own worst enemy just isn’t working for me anymore.

So, this is the part where I give up . . . my excuses. This is the part where I give up self-doubt, and the limitations I’ve placed on myself. This is the part where I give up the victim act I play out when plans get derailed or bumpy, and surely they will. This is the part where I own my goals, my dreams, my visions and I take 100% responsibility for me, and only me. This is when fear becomes merely a familiar face I acknowledge, but continue walking past in peace.

This is the part where I give in.

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4 Responses to “This Is The Part Where I Give Up”

  1. Tricia Taylor March 16, 2012 at 8:23 am #

    Rebecca,
    You have touched on a subject that few people ever realize they are living through. There have been many slips and falls, sure. But the fact that you recognize that and are taking active part in changing these behaviors is a sign of real growth and development. Where most people (myself included) are held back from certain goals due to fear of rejection, fear of failure, you have embraced the challenge.
    During your growth and learning process, you might be surprised on the NEW opportunities you will find open to you. Your fore-knowledge of the trials ahead will open your eyes to a very different world; a world where anything is possible for a confident and secure young woman who wants to spread her wings (that’s you).
    Embrace the change, but never forget that there are many many aspects of your life that are already amazing and should be continued. It’s not all bad. The best you can do is follow your current course. You never know what adventures await!

    • Rebecca March 16, 2012 at 11:50 am #

      Great perspective, Tricia. Your feedback is always welcomed, respected, and most of all appreciated. xo

  2. Erik March 15, 2012 at 4:07 pm #

    “People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved.”
    – Anne Sullivan

    Thank you for letting us see the “halting and painful steps”. This success is far from insignificant, and it is very real – like you.

    • Rebecca March 15, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

      It’s my pleasure to share.

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